I was ironing my shirt this morning, when a couple different things dawned on me in rapid succession. The first thing I noticed is that I really only wear white, pink, and blue shirts. I have other colors in the closet, but they just hang there, ignored and ashamed. Some of my shirts are pink and blue, but most tend to be more white and blue than pink. I think I do this because when I was 18 some girl told me that blue shirts made my eyes look better. Fast forward 14 years and while I don’t remember her name, I do still wear copious amounts of blue. The iron and accompanying board is positioned in front of a very large mirror. While I was ironing, I bemoaned the rotund, yet curiously delicious, upper half of my body. While in the middle of ironing, and bemoaning, I also noticed that I, David Curry, am sporting one fine farmer’s tan. My issue, thankfully, was not nearly as severe as this poor guy who is sporting the backward-hat-forehead/mug-shot tan. I zeroed in on the sharp contrast in tone that occurs just north of my elbow, about midway through where my bicep should be. Summer to the south of the pigment line, full on winter to the north.
If I were a normal person, I might rush off to take a carcinogenic, synthetic sun bath at my local tanning salon. However, since I am an avowed lover of all things summer, and more over, currently clutching my ticket as the first person in line for another Lake Geneva summer, I will simply wait. I’ll wait until the weather accommodates and my tan will no longer be relegated to the southern three quarters of my arms. I’ll be patient and give the Lake Geneva sun a little more time before it transforms my robust white and partially tanned body into a fully tanned, still robust, body. It did however occur to me that some of you might not have the luxury of waiting for your Lake Geneva summer to arrive. Some of you might not even know what a Lake Geneva summer feels like, or how it looks. For those of you sitting at your desks right now, with arms that look just like they did in January, there is a very simple, very enjoyable solution to your pasty predicament.
While Lake Geneva loves many things, Lake Geneva most certainly hates farmer’s tans. She hates them on men, and while they’re far less comfortable on women, they still exist. If you’re trying to get to know Lake Geneva a little better, there are simple things that you must continue to understand about her. As you try to familiarize yourself with what a Lake Geneva summer is, just run through some very basic, very simple questions, arranged like a timed quiz. It’s like when David Spade quizzed Chris Farley before their first sales call to be sure he was familiar with the part they were trying to sell. If the average person uses 10 percent of their brain, how much do you use? One and a half percent. So in our case, ask yourself what Lake Geneva loves, then answer. If you answer, sailboats, swimmers, sunbathers, and the like, you would be correct. If you answered “farmer’s tans”, you’d be incorrect. Simple, right?
A Lake Geneva summer can take your burgeoning farmer’s tan and brush it away in as little as one weekend, even though regular maintenance will be required. That regular maintenance will include reading books on piers while shirtless. Napping on hammocks lakeside is also a good component of the regimen. Boating, shirtless, is also a summer staple, and a nice boat ride every weekend will ward off that farmers tan from now until October. What she cannot do, however, is fix that annoying farmer’s tan if you insist on staying in the city or suburbs all summer. And something else she can’t do is take an unattractive farmers tan and do away with it for any length of time if you try to cram what should be an entire summer spent under the Lake Geneva sun into one whirlwind week-long vacation. Weekly vacations are nice, but they’re no substitute for a summer spent at the lake.
Lake Geneva’s uncanny ability to erase your embarrassing farmer’s tan- reason number 8,292,744 Lake Geneva is the place for you.