In 1984 Norman Rosenthal decided that being sad in the winter was a legitimate medical illness. His Seasonal Affective Disorder theory supposed that in winter, when things are bad, people are sad. It is no mistake that the acronym for this condition is SAD, and I’m sure that over drinks one night, Norman and his pals had a nice laugh over the intended irony. The condition exists in the summer as well, which is strange, but symptoms include heightened anxiety. Anxiety over what? Well, I’m certain it manifests differently in everyone, but my anxiety is most certainly heightened in summer due to an especially keen awareness that summer is short. And if summer is deemed to be too short while immersed in it, you can only imagine how short it looks now through the narrow lens of my rear view camera.
It is with this information that I have decided to make a plea. Each season should be made to be one full month longer, excepting spring, which would be made two months shorter (assuming spring now runs April, May and June-ish). This shouldn’t be too much to ask. Winter is already approximately four months long, so while it seems unfair to make winter even longer, I will trade you one month of winter for one month of summer any day. If we were at lunch, and we were trading things that our mothers packed us, this would be a kin to me trading you a piece of unbuttered whole wheat toast for your Nutty Bar. And not some single Nutty Bar either, but the full thing. The twin pack. Both of them. Unopened, unmolested, not at all melted. Straight up. This isn’t something that would likely happen, but if you were a very hungry kid with peanut allergies you’d make that trade for my dry bread, and I’m nothing if not allergic to winter.
Mr. Rosenthal suggests treatment for his disorder should include medication, along with his pioneering light treatment. During this treatment, one stands under a light for a while, or so I imagine. Once thoroughly bathed in that light, this person leaves the bright room and steps out into the darkness of winter feeling somehow encouraged, somehow better. This is bunk. It can’t happen. We cannot trick ourselves into imagining better days just because we stood, or sat on those days when we arrive for treatment tired, under a dangly light bulb. I would guess the treatment room looks like an interrogation room, with one table, a chair, some mirrors, and a small glass of tap water. The physician plays the role of rough and tumble cop, attempting to slowly draw the winter out of us. It won’t work.
This is why we need to extend summer one month, fall one month, winter one month, and take two months (April and June) from spring. Spring doesn’t know what to do with all its months anyway. It isn’t because we don’t hate winter, but we love summer and fall more than we hate winter, at least that’s what we’re telling ourselves in order to see this compromise achieved. It would play out something like this: Winter currently runs from approximately December 1st through March 30th. Give or take. In this scenario, winter would start January 1st, and extend through April 30th, with a new month inserted in between January and February. This month would be a welcome addition in the minds of January and February, because this month would mark the middle of the coldest winter, and it would then become the most hated month. Spring would be only the month of May. It would not extend into June, and it would never, ever start as early as April. Summer, then, would run June, July, August, September and October. We would not pick apples or visit any form of apple orchard until at least November 1st. Who would visit an apple orchard in the summer unless there was some clock that they had to punch there in order to pay rent?
Fall, instead of playing out from late September until late November, would start November first and extend until the start of winter. However, this is not as easy as it seems. We are running out of months. We would need to then add another month in between November and December, and we would call that month something, but not until we put it up for a national vote. A committee would narrow down the choices, and we would not let school children submit any suggestions, otherwise this month and the winter month may have some ridiculous names. It’s like when Simple asked kids to pick the name of their bakery. It ended up being The Sweet House Of Madness, which was not only ridiculous, it sounded ominous. It didn’t last either, because school children should never have a say in anything.
These new months would serve several purposes, and we’d be killing all sorts of birds with this one stone. Perhaps best of all, we’d all live to be less old without actually dying sooner. By leaving Social Security at the current ages requirements, we’d save significant sums of money. It would take people longer to get to 62, or 65, or 67, so more of us would die before we tapped into benefits. A change that extends summer and fall and saves an entitlement program? You’re welcome, America. There would be riots, for sure. Unions would think this change unfair because it would force them to work another two months each year in order to qualify for their pension, and so they’d take to the streets with giant foam fists, chanting this and that about fairness and singing songs about brotherhood.
Even so, the benefits would far outweigh the detriments, and after some time everyone would be happy. We would no longer have to start summer with the fear of it ending entirely too soon. We wouldn’t have to rush into fall, for fear of missing it, because it would be there for plenty of time. Thanksgiving wouldn’t mark the end of fall, it would mark the middle of it, and we’d then have a whole new month to explore the orchards and to leave up the dried out stalks of corn on our porch posts. Yes, we would have to spend April sledding instead of planting, but every great plan asks for at least a few sacrifices.